Yo ima vent. I don’t care if you read this or reply or not. I just need to vent. I hate everybody. I’m sick and tired. You know what I’m tired of? I’m tired of being the guy who’s okay with everything. Who says “np its fine” because people always let him down. Im tired of caring about everybody, checking up on everybody and doing everything I can for people I care about, but always being a second thought. Never cared about. I’m tired of hating everybody and I’m tired of being angry. But I can’t do anything but be angry about myself. For letting myself get into these situations. Im always left in the dark. Always bailed on, never listened to. And I get it. People have their own problems. But if they need my help and I’m able to drop everything for them, why can’t a single person do that for me? Am I really that worthless? Do I really mean so little to everybody? I hate self pity don’t get me wrong. But you know, if people tell you things long enough, you begin to believe them. I’m sorry for dumping all this on you but Idk, I felt like you’re the only person I could trust. I have literally never been treated as if I was worth anything until I did something that was good, or was in a better position. People are ALWAYS “there for me” when things are going great, and realistically, I’m just helping them out. I don’t need people. I really don’t. I just deserve to be alone you know? But every now and then. Literally once a year, when I need people, somebody, anybody, nobody is there. Everybody bails on me. Its just fantastic being the guy nobody invites but is there by coincidence. Its awesome not cared about. Even within my family, my mom only looks out for my little siblings. I get it, they’re kids, they need her. But sometimes I wish I could get that affection you know? My mom is a fantastic person. But I’ve always been overlooked. I’m just tired. Exhausted. Spent. Nothing can help me. I’m on the verge of trying drugs right now, I’ve been keeping it in for weeks now and its driving me crazy. I thought I would be able to get through this winter cuz of allison. As pathetic as that sounds. Someone who could keep my mind off of everything. But she’s busy. I can’t blame her. I haven’t felt this alone since my dad passed away. I don’t know what to do. Last year I got through cuz i had sarah. This year. I’m alone. Exams, work, school. Everybody including me is stressed, tired, busy. Nothing for me to do…
I’m tired. I’m always tired lately. I know all I do is complain but what else is there to do? Nobody listens. The few people who I actually trusted don’t have time for me and why should they? We have no obligations to each other. I’m just that one kid who they told “I got you”. And I’m that idiot who believed somebody actually cared haha. Pathetic right? I’m so tired. Tired of caring about and for everybody and having nobody give 2 cents about me. Tired of always being the one initiating. Always being the person who goes our and meets people, introduces people, and always being left out in the dark. Always being the person who asks to talk or to hang out but never being invited or asked themselves. I get it, its “my role” right. Well I’m tired. I’m done. I’m done initiating, introducing, caring. I’m done.
I’m so tired. I’m about to sound like a little bitch but fuck it. Always forgotten till the end. I don’t wanna be your fucking back up plan or last resort. I’m so tired of caring about all the people that I do, making sure they’re all right, making them feel better, hearing their problems and doing all I can to help but the one time I need help… I don’t need help, I just need somebody to act like they care. My entire family ditched me. I’m spending thanksgiving by myself and I’ve graciously been invited by a bro over, that I appreciate. But how is that bro asking me over when so many people who o thought were closer to me ignore this fact? I fucking HATE being your “second though”. I’d rather be forgotten than “oh yeah, everything is over, david is through with his hard times, I wonder how he’s doing?”. Bitch, fucking leave my life. You’re all just the constant reminder WHY I need to fucking leave. You’re that constant ringing in my ear that just tells me “oh hey by the way, nobody actually cares about you. They just wanna be in your life when it’s good. Look at them, you’re completely miserable with nobody to even vent to but this stupid blog while they’re all having a great time with eachother completely forgetting you. But don’t expect that too long. It’d be too easy if they just forgot you, they’re gonna come back when you’re life is in order expecting things to be okay.”
When I was a kid, I remember I would walk along side you and always try to fill in your strides, now that I’m older, all I feel is disappointment in myself. All I see is myself falling short, my strides becoming shorter and you growing farther and farther away.
I hate having emotions. I swear I am basically in love with this girl who of course, has a boyfriend who doesn’t seem to care at all about her. And i, of course belong in the friend zone. FUCK. I guess patience is a virtue, or something like that :/
My wish is to forger everything and everyone. I’m tired, I’m sick and I’m so discontent with everything.